I am very good at wanting things. I’m an expert. My favorite time of year as a kid was when I would get the American Girl catalog— not to be confused with American Girl Magazine, also thrilling— and circle everything that I wanted in it and then add up all the prices until I got to about $1,000 give or take $576. And then, I’d start working my way down to something “reasonable.” I’d get rid of Felicity’s horse. Josephina’s day bed. The dog named Coconut. I would settle for simply Kit’s party set (basset hound included), Samantha’s accessories, and the creepy Bitty Baby Twins. (Only about $250 worth of stuff— VERY REASONABLE!!!).
I didn’t even need, although I very much wanted, to get anything. The wanting was its own delicious endeavor. What if I could be a girl who got the skating outfit??! I’m still good at wanting. I have thousands of abandoned virtual shopping carts littering the internet, emails from companies reminding me that I didn’t finish checking out, begging me to come back.
And I loooooove stuff. I try not to. It’s my guiltiest of guilty pleasures Purchasing things!! (The world is burning; consumption is awful. We need to stop. I, specifically, need to stop). BUT the thrill of a package at your door! Getting a new serum or toner for your face that will maybe be just the thing to make you change entirely who you are inside and out!! The massage gun that will fix my back pain! The lap desk for writing in bed because of my back pain! New leggings that are eco friendly!
It’s called capitalism, babyyyyy!!!!
Here are all the things that I have wanted today in a very particular order (The order in which I remembered them):
A cow print cowboy hat. Could anything be more tacky? The answer, of course, is yes. But I love a good tacky hat. I also look insanely good in hats in general. It’s a curse to be alive during a time with such low hat usage when I look so good in hats. Anyway. I genuinely believe that this summer was meant to be a goth cowboy slut summer for me, and I’m longing for a black and white cowboy hat that I will never wear outside of a few photos on instagram because actually wearing a hat indoors makes me feel ridiculous!!! No matter how good I look.
A linen closet. My current apartment has abysmal closet space. You’d die!!! Ok, you’d be just fine, but right now my “linens” (a bunch of random sets of sheets that my boyfriend and I have somehow accumulated despite being not that old—we don’t even own a food processor!!!!!) live in my suitcase and every time I take a trip I have to empty my suitcase of linens just to pack. Imagine a linen closet, if you will!! Stacks of folded, laundered sheets and towels. An ostentatious shelf of beach towels, which are somehow different from shower towels, if I get really rich someday.
A big orange tree. I just purchased a little orange tree, a wee baby. I’m ready for her to GROW! I can’t wait.
A facial oil. I’ve heard these lock in moisture and honey, I NEED it!! When you know, you know! And I know my entire life would be fixed, the stress would simply melt away from my body like meat off the bone of something a midwest mom made in an Instant Pot if I simply added ONE MORE step to my 15-step skincare routine.
Pasta making attachments for a Kitchen Aid mixer. Look, I’m going to fucking lose it if I don’t hand-make pasta soon. I’m going to… lose it. I can’t learn Italian right now, which I was doing on and off before lockdown because I don’t have time and my stress is through the roof but I can potentially make pasta! I cried the other day looking at this instagram I follow that is just all about making pasta because I didn’t have time to sign up for their virtual tortellini class.
A dog. This one speaks for itself.
A second dog. What if you lived with a bunch of creatures that were not of your species all the time? What if my first dog gets separation anxiety? What then??? Obviously my major goal in life is to have two dogs.
A horse. My boyfriend said no, but I have a feeling I will tell this story in about 10 years and people will say, “nevertheless she persisted” when they see me trotting by on my horse, Fancy Feast.
A miniature horse and/or donkey. Obviously, I will name him Fritter and he will live indoors. (Yes I know Arnold Schwarzenegger owns both, I’m not addressing him in my pristine no-Republicans-allowed newsletter).
A latte. I have had a type of acid reflux called LPR or “Silent Reflux” for almost a month now and it’s making me want to punch people in the ass!! It blows! It’s called silent reflux because instead of heartburn you have weird symptoms like a cough and a hoarse voice and THE CONSTANT FEELING THAT SOMETHING IS STUCK IN YOUR THROAT THAT YOU MIGHT CHOKE ON so I couldn’t drink coffee for a while. But today I walked 2.5 miles to a cafe to get a latte to go because I’m a desperate hoe who supports local business and takes small risks with her health and then I walked 2.5 miles back and saw some good dogs.
A pedicure but with that old callous scraper tool that is now illegal for salons to use. You can still buy the tool on Amazon and I’m sincerely thinking about it, but also Amazon is evil and I need to stop shopping there. (Guilt is a theme for me!!)
A house with two bathrooms. I don’t know how big of a thing this is outside of cities, but in LA there are simply not houses with two bathrooms. A house with two bathrooms costs $1 million for the simple virtue of having two places to rest your ass. I know that owning a million dollar home would be evil of me because wealth is bad bad bad but also my hot idiot boyfriend wants to have a nautical themed bathroom one day and I REFUSE to let that happen. The solution, of course, is to get enough money to one day own a house with two bathrooms. Also nice for when two people need to piss at the same time! Bonus!
Anyway, if you want to give me any of these please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.