I have been very happily married for a few years. My wife is my best friend, the deepest love of my life, and practically the perfect partner for me.
And I want to cheat on her.
I have never cheated on her or even tried to, and I certainly am not interested in doing something which hurts her, but I desperately want to sleep with, date, and have relationships with other women. I frequently find myself enamored of women and developing intense, persistent crushes on some of them, though always keeping it to myself. Lately, though, my urge to stray has become almost overwhelming, and I've found myself far closer to crossing any lines than ever before.
I don't know why my marriage isn't enough for me, but it just feels like it's not right now. How do I move past this desire to stray from my marriage?
Well, you probably want to cheat because your marriage is boring. That’s fine!!! Some of the best marriages are boring because steady, unconditional love is pretty…uneventful. Long-term commitment certainly doesn’t lend itself to fantasies of ripping clothes off and fucking someone against the in-unit washer/dryer. You have to work to keep the horniness alive. And that is your problem. You need to sit your wife down and have an excruciatingly honest convo that goes something like this, “Hey, I feel like we aren’t as connected recently, and I think a lot of that is my problem. I just feel like we haven’t put in enough effort to keep things sexy. How can we work on that together?” Because this is a problem for both of you.
As a note: it’s totally fine that you want to bang other people. Your wife probably also wants to as well, ok? It’s fine to fantasize about other people. It’s even ok to develop little crushes on people. What is not ok is letting that jeopardize your relationship with your supposed “BEST FRIEND” (your words, not mine). That’s fucked and if you think there’s no way you won’t cheat, leave your wife right now because that will be less painful, and no going to fuck someone one time as a release and then coming back to your wife more in love than ever will not hurt less!
There’s a corny quote (REALLY CORNY) that I think is very applicable: “The grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it.” Work on your relationship with your exquisite wife and figure out how to get horny for each other again. Don’t beat yourself up over fantasies, but also don’t act on them.
Also, please read Mating in Captivity and State of Affairs by Esther Perel which should be required reading for everyone.
How do you sustain a long distance relationship?
First of all, long distance relationships ONLY work if you have a set end date. If you don’t know when you two are going to be living in the same city— maybe never, maybe in two years if I get this one job, I don’t know my mom isn’t doing well I have to live in Arizona for now— long distance will. not. work. You can email me angrily all you want about how your relationship is totally different!!!!, but it’s not. I know this doesn’t answer the question, but I want to assert that if you don’t know when you guys will be together, break up NOW.
Ok, now, if you have an end date set (a one year contract job in New York, three more months serving overseas, grad school in Scotland for two years), here’s how to make a relationship work long distance: avoid boring conversations. All relationships get into boring territory real fast, especially when you see one another all time. So use one of the hardest things about LDRs—scarcity of time together—to your advantage to keep things fun. You do not need to call and talk about everything you did every day. That’s not going to erase the distance. Call when something happens. Otherwise, you’ve made phone calls an agonizing punishment, something to check off your to do list. Share your life with the person—send funny memes, stupid photos of yourself, rants about your boss’s awful habits— but don’t just get on the phone and talk all the time.
Use the time apart to keep up the individual, cool, interesting life you had before you met this person. Don’t do long distance with a jealous person. Or a bad communicator. Don’t do it with someone who isn’t good at hard conversations. Or someone you just met. Your relationship needs to be more solid than the average relationship.
A TOTAL GEM:
I'm a closeted bisexual. I think. Male, 25. With ladies, I'm attracted to the whole. Emotionally connected, physically attracted. And can have meaningful romantic and platonic relationships with them.
For dudes. I just like really big dicks. Sorry to be frank, but you seem to appreciate frank. It makes me feel guilty for a number of reasons. Growing up Christian, I still feel guilty not being 100% straight. Another reason I feel guilty is I'm not attracted to dudes except for bigish peens. Does that even count as bi? Does it make me a bad person to only use dudes for their junk? Idk I'm probably over thinking this. Is it ok to suck and run? Any advice is much appreciated.
First of all, of course you love dicks! Dicks are great! It’s normal to love cock. As someone who has been struggling with her own sexuality on and off for years, I want to remind you that you are not uncovering an immutable, binary “fact” about yourself (I am bisexual or I am not!) as much as learning and discovering new things that turn you on. You aren’t going to get a Hogwarts letter in the mail that says, “Now that you’ve obsessed over this for 3,724 hours we can confirm that you are bisexual; welcome!.” That is never going to happen. You’re never going to have a single answer. You’re going to have horniness and questions and things that feel good and things that don’t and you’re going to learn and re-learn your sexuality a lot over your life.
Please forgive me as I am going to do some speculating here for a moment: perhaps the reason that you feel more emotional attraction with women is that you’ve seen that played out thousands of times in real life and media. So maybe, just maybe, with some real hard work done on your end to change some heteronormativity you were forced to accept, you might find yourself being attracted more of a man than just his peen. I would recommend (as corny as this might sound) reading books and watching tv shows about men falling in love with—and fucking if you want— other men. It might help you discover more about what you’re into. There are a lot of good, fun, gay romance novels out there that may be a good way to start.
It’s pretty easy to imagine why the first non-straight feelings you accepted were sexual rather than emotional— we often let our brains wander when they’re turned on. I have a feeling there might be more coming later; and if there isn’t, that’s ok too. It’s ok to just love dicks and love women. In fact, some women have dicks! Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. You’re going to find so much cool stuff out there that turns you on and you don’t need a label. (I know everyone says this). You don’t need to know if you’re bisexual ever. It’s ok if you never settle on a label and just follow what feels good. But also it’s there if you want it. Just be kind to yourself and be upfront with partners. Don’t tell anyone that you’re only sleeping with them for their dick; but also don’t feel like you need to start a long term relationship with a person to prove a point. Treat them well and communicate honestly. And enjoy dicks.