Here's the Thing: Disparate Sex Drive Edition

MY SOULMATE:

So I've been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months now and I'm starting to realize I have a way bigger sex drive than him. I don't want to break up with him but it's also incredibly frustrating to be absolutely horny for someone and have that person turn you down. It makes me feel like I'm crazy for just wanting sex. I love this dude but I don't want to sacrifice my own needs for this relationship. (Yes, I masturbate but like....that's not the saaaaaame).

SOPHIA:

I’m gonna be honest with you: I put off answering this question for a while because I have had this problem in two long term relationships and I didn’t solve it, so I felt very concerned that I wouldn’t be able to give you advice. But then I remembered that it’s the internet and I can say whatever I want!!! Jk. Kind of. I’m going to write out some advice and then maybe try to take it some day and apply it to my own life?????

First of all, you are a Horny Icon, ok? I know Society, That Bitch has put in years of subtle work convincing you that men are going to always want to FUCK FUCK FUCK and that women will want to make some polite love at polite intervals and anything else is just wacky! but let ME— a bigger bitch than society could ever hope to be— remind you that this is not the case. Personally, I’ve never dated anyone with a higher sex drive than I have, and a lot of my female friends feel the same way, a gap which is made even more painful by the fact that often when we get sex it’s… subpar and the train only stops at Painful Fingering and Penetration Station. So, we’re not getting satisfied even if we are occasionally getting dicked up.

Another piece of this IMO is that women are told (SCREAMED AT, ACTUALLY) that they will constantly and easily breezily beautifully be the object of a man’s horniness at all times. We’re told— and screamed at (a real theme of womanhood)— how much of Fuck Objects we are as we simply walk down the street. Men will stand around and lament how “easy” it is for women to get sex if they want it; just go outside and ask a guy to fuck you! So when someone, especially a man, especially in a romantic, sexual relationship, isn’t outright horny for us it feels like… you aren’t even the most basic thing a woman is: a Fuck Object. This is!!! Painful!!! As!!! Hell!!! (And then, THEN, you get to beat yourself up for even wanting a man to treat you as a sex object because of, you know, some bad ideas about what feminism is).

Ok, you probably know all that because you’re a brilliant babe, but I’m just catching everyone else up on the Emotions of what’s happening for you. Here’s what I think you (and me someday, probably) should do about it, and it’s a three-step program:

1) Think long and hard about what you need: What is it about sex that you like more than masturbation? Penetration? Intimacy? Spontaneity? Excitement? The feeling of someone wanting you? How can you and your boyfriend recreate some of that without having full on sex? Sit down and think really, really hard about what made the hottest sex that you had the hottest. Because I’ll bet anything that frequency was not the only hot thing.

2) Talk to your partner frequently: You aren’t going to change your partner’s sex drive out of sheer will. It may wax and wane over time, but there is probably not a quick fix. Even if you eloquently explain what you need—perhaps you need to feel sexually desirable to him more often—he’s going to forget. He’s fighting his wiring over here, just like you are. So remind him. It’s not hot, it’s not fun, but it is necessary sometimes to say, “BABE!!! REMEMBER HOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME YOU WANT TO BONE ME EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE? NOW WOULD BE COOL!” Or something more calm. I don’t know your life.

3) Adjust: Both of you are going to have to compromise and one sad thing about compromise in a loving relationship is often one person is compromising more. You obviously can’t make him have sex more or want sex more. But you guys can have good discussions about what does turn him on and what stresses him out. You can have nights where you masturbate next to him while he kisses you. You can watch porn while sitting on his lap. You can buy new sex toys for your solo seshes to see if penetration helps. You can talk about an open relationship that is purely for you to get more sex without emotions. You’re going to have to try a lot of stuff! Sorry pal!

Lastly, you can break up with him. It’s ok to break up with someone who is sexually incompatible with you. That’s not a petty or small reason, especially if you’ve promised sexual exclusivity to someone. Only you can decide what you want your sex life to be like and if you can deal with the compromise you two reach. It is perfectly ok to not be able to deal; you aren’t lesser because you guys weren’t compatible in a way that was a big deal for you. You’re actually a brilliant angel who knows her boundaries. It’s ok.