Here's the Thing: Don't Measure Your Dick!
Or get back with your ex. Or feel bad about sex you don't want to have.
SOMEONE OUT THERE: My ex-girlfriend pulls me in then pushes me back…what do I do? I still love her. And she admitted that it’s been hard on her too. I’m legit scared to try and start it up again.
SOPHIA: I want to deliver some common sense, which is so easy to have when you aren’t in love with someone and a malady quite impossible to even empathize with when you are. THIS IS A BAD IDEA ON LIKE 14,372 LEVELS. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. And certainly do not fuck your ex.
It’s like drinking a bottle marked “DO NOT DRINK!” Sure, it’s (sort of) tempting, but also probably the bottle is marked “do not drink” for a reason, which makes drinking said bottle really fucking stupid. Someone who “pulls you in” and “pushes you back,” is not someone engaged in healthy love with you; that person is toxic. And you, as a human being, don’t just deserve healthy love—you require it.
Quit talking to her, full stop. Let her know—in nice, healthy, adult language that leaves NO room for her to argue or negotiate for more—that you can not talk to her right now because what you two have going on is destructive. Do not say that some day you two will talk again (you might, but that’s not important right now). Do not mention that you wish you could be together (ditto). What you need to convey is: “this is really fucked up and I need us to take a total contact break for a while.” Because you two are never going to work out. I mean maybe you will if one of you changes who you are entirely someday, but you have to go forward with the goal of accepting the fact that you and her will never be together again. Ever.
Have a friend write down her number and save the contact in their phone should you ever need to reach out (condolences on a grandparent’s death; an earthquake hits their hometown; your lucky Buffalo Sabres jersey is still at their house and you need it back). But then delete her from your phone, unfollow her on every social media platform there is especially LinkedIn which tells people when you stalk their profile I think, get therapy if you can find some that is affordable and works in your schedule, and start the Lord of the Rings-level journey of moving on.
SOMEONE ELSE: If you tell a woman how long your penis is and it is curved should you measure with the fabric measuring cloth of the bow or the straight ruler of the string?
SOPHIA: STOP MEASURING YOUR SWEET PENIS. Good lord, I hope this message is a joke intended to make fun of me and that you are not agonizing over the length of your dick. Dick length is about as relevant to how good you are at sex as the width of your femur. Leave your dick alone and leave anyone who asks about your dick size alone.
I’m not just saying this to make some random group of men who happened to get the short end of the stick (literally) feel better. The worst sex I ever had was with a guy with a massive dick who clearly didn’t have any idea that he needed any other skills in bed, so let go of the idea that a porn-peen will help you satisfy anyone sexually. If you’re focused on dick size, bad news: you’re probably already bad at sex. Instead, may I humbly suggest googling “communication.”
ANOTHER SWEETIE: I’m a bi man in a FWB situation with a woman after a couple of years of only being involved, sexually or otherwise, with men. I’m a bottom with submissive tendencies but over the course of sexting she’s told me that she wants me to take a more dominant role in bed. She asked for mild choking during sex, to have her hair pulled, and to be sparked in foreplay. I personally enjoy all three of those things and agreeing to do them to her was easy. She, however, asked for something else as well: she wants raw, P-into-V sex.
Being bi means that I have to be careful with my health down there and I’m regularly tested, front and rear. Furthermore, She has an IUD which means that there’s little danger of a child that neither of us are ready for entering the picture. Nevertheless, I feel a little apprehensive about the situation. Bi men have been scapegoated as “carriers” for ages and I’m wondering if internalization of negative stereotypes is to blame for my hesitation. She’s been understanding about the whole thing and has said that she would understand if I’d prefer to wear a condom during sex. I want to make sure I do my best to satisfy her though.
Am I overthinking this? I told her we could do it bare and yet the uneasiness persists. It would mean a lot to me if you could help me sort my feelings out. What do you think?
SOPHIA: There is no such thing as overthinking something. That is a myth originally designed to keep oppressed people from asking questions (historically aimed at women, and then spread out to everyone else from there). So throw that insecurity right in the trash (and by that I mean spend years working through it with a therapist like I am).
This is not a ridiculous fear at all. If you never get over this reluctance, that’s totally understandable. Especially with a casual FWB partner. Sex can create weird boundaries and fears and insecurities that even we ourselves don’t fully comprehend. I’m glad she’s being understanding because that’s a requirement of a good sexual partner, as I’m sure you know.
I would recommend spending some time relaxing and getting as calm as you can, and then writing / journaling about what your fears are about this act at your core. You mentioned some of the specific baggage that you have with this sexual act, which should probably be the first place that you should look into. What is the worse case scenario for you? Is that a realistic outcome or a phobia? How can you and your partner mitigate those fears and prevent that outcome together? Can you work up to the act slowly? If you can (and since your reason for reluctance may involve trauma, this might not be possible; go easy on yourself) reframe this as a challenge that you and your partner are tackling together, rather than a personal shortcoming.