Here's the Thing: We're All Bad At Sex
But at least we're all doing it together.
A BIG SWEETIE, WHOM WE LOVE:
Hi! I’m a 25 year old woman, and My current dilemma is this: I’ve never had sex with a guy more than twice, and it makes me have no confidence. I like to have sex and want to have it casually, but when no one comes back for more, I feel horrible and like maybe I’m terrible at it? Like why doesn’t anyone ever want to do it with me at least a few times? Especially when it’s in just a casual context? I must be terrible, but the guys certainly seem to enjoy it at the time.
Recently, I started hooking up with a guy. We’ve had sex twice, and then when I texted him the other day, I discovered blocked my number. Getting blocked felt so extreme and humiliating and now my confidence is at an all time low. I don’t know what I did wrong because I definitely wasn’t clingy because I don’t actually like the guy and I thought the sex was good. I’m hoping you can give me some insight into what I’m doing wrong. It’s not like I even want a boyfriend; I just want to have sex with someone more than twice! Am I so gross that sex with me is not a repeatable experience? Anyways, sorry for the long message, and I hope you can help a girl out.
SOPHIA:
Good morning, lovely! I have such wonderful news!!!!! You aren’t bad at sex. Like, at all. At all. Unless you’re harming people or blurring the lines of consent, you are not having bad sex. You can read Cosmo sex tips until your eyes bleed but what makes for extra“good” sex is enthusiasm and communication, and I doubt you have problems with either. Also, frankly, other people are pretty excited just to be having sex, and were likely more concerned about their performance than yours. Those people liked the sex they had with you, I virtually guarantee it. I’m not saying that you’re dynamite in bed with no room for improvement, but unless someone full out stopped you mid-sex, looked you in the eye and said, “You are so bad at sex that it is hopeless and I don’t think you can get better,” you did not have bad sex. Good sex obviously requires that both people think they’re having good sex for consent reasons etcetera, but please remember that your job during sex isn’t just to “give” a man good sex; it’s also for you to have good sex, which you feel you had. You’re doing a lot better than you think.
The problem is that it seems you’ve conflated someone texting you back and wanting to bang your body again. There are 48,389 reasons—both good and dumb as hell—that someone might not want a repeat performance that are not your sexual ability. (Blocking is very extreme and cowardly and everyone who reads this newsletter HATES that man and we all promise not to suck his dick because he seems bad at healthy communication!!!!) When someone doesn’t contact us again after a fun time was had, we play a fun little game of Blue’s Clues and rig the game so that the clues all lead to whatever our biggest insecurity is. For me, I often figured that if I lost weight, a guy would text me back; for a friend of mine, she’s convinced everyone’s problem with her is her mental health. Another friend thinks she’s too boring (she’s hot; I don’t know!!). The point is, you manufactured a reason that is loosely related to the situation to prove to your brain (who is being a little brat, btw) that you suck at sex. You wanted evidence of that, and you got it.
So, how do you undo this? How do you break the thought pattern you’ve created? Well, it’s going to take a lot of work. (Boooo! I hate when that’s the answer!!!) You’re going to have to actively shoot down the voice in your head that tells you that you suck at sex. That might come from mantras. That might come from therapy. That might come from that agonizing bitch, Time (the concept, not the magazine). I recommend taking a break from casual sex for a bit— not because you can’t handle it!! You can!!!— to give your body a bit of a break from your anxiety. Can’t worry about sex if you aren’t having it. Give your brain a month or so without the pressure to answer the question “AM I GOOD AT SEX???! DO I SUCK???” Which is a bad question that your brain came up with the first place; again, she’s a brat. In that time, I suggest finding and savoring things that make you feel sexy without another person around and enjoying those as much as possible (Magic Mike XXL, masturbating, horny books) so that you get real in touch with how you feel when you’re turned on. I guaran-damn-tee that good sex is even better for your partner when you’re turned on.
Lastly, no one knows what they’re doing during sex—that’s a fucking myth—we are all freaking out constantly like a whack-a-mole situation, ok !??!!!