AN ANGEL ON EARTH:
My fiance of four years ended our relationship because he said he is no longer physically attracted to me. When I started asking questions about this, he told me he had stopped being physically attracted to me as soon as we moved in (we moved in together after 3 years of long distance). I am heartbroken, confused, and have no idea how to process this or move on. I never saw this coming or expected it from him. He always made me feel loved and secure in our relationship. The argument started when I told him that it hurt and offended me when he would watch porn. He told me this was something he was not willing to stop doing and if I wanted to stay with him, I would have to tolerate it. Shortly after that argument, he confessed that he thought we should break up because he had no sexual desire for me and did not like how I looked. When I moved out of the apartment, he did not show any signs of sadness. He still hasn't shown any signs of sadness and this cuts me so deeply. I don't know how to let go. I never wanted to let go and now I am forced to.
Ok, your ex boyfriend kind of lied to you because when he said that he broke up with you because he wasn’t attracted to you, what he actually did was break up with you because he’s a lazy dipshit, and you, my dear, do not want to be dating a lazy dipshit, so you’re kind of in luck!
Now, there are two possible realities for why your boyfriend dumped you. Either A) he really is no longer attracted to you and has no sexual desire for you. Or B) this is an excuse and the reasons for dumping you are different. Neither is a ringing endorsement of this dude. If A), and he really didn’t feel anything for you he not only sprung that on you, he decided to do absolutely no work to change the lack of sexual attraction. (AND YES, YOU CAN REBUILD ATTRACTION WITH WORK!). Thus, if A) is the truth, your boyfriend is a dickhole for not being willing to even do the bare minimum of work to keep a relationship healthy (not someone you should want to date). Alternatively, if the truth is B) then double fuck him because he LIED to you AND!!!!!! it was a cruel lie. (Again, not someone you should want to date).
But you do want to be dating him. Why? Because you love/d him. That’s why. That love, now that you’re broken up, will fade slowly and painfully over time. Time that has to be filled by you and what you value rather than with him. It’s hard to retrain your brain away from obsessing over the tidally-locked planets of love and rejection. It’s hard, but everyone does it. Everyone on earth pretty much falls in love and gets rejected and has to do the hateful task of waiting it out until it hurts less. There are things you can— and should!— do while you wait out the pain. Things like exercising, taking care of your mental health, eating an entire roll of pre-made cookie dough, going out with your friends, whining to close relatives who have to love you because they’re family. Is it unfair that his man— who may be missing a sensitivity gene— doesn’t seem to be missing your guys relationship? Yes. But if you date someone for FOUR YEARS and aren’t sad when it’s over, that’s on you. Sit down with yourself and get serious about how to fill this time so that you come out better than before, so that you don’t fall for or date a dipshit like that man ever again. You should date people who are aroused by you, who are into you, who talk to you when they have concerns, who want to work on relationship problems together with you. And you will. You will date someone like that some day. I promise. But only if you do your work, which is to learn yourself so well, and build yourself up so much that you only accept love that is good for you.
One more note: I don’t know how the whole porn thing came up for you two. I’m going off of very little information and believe you me I think your ex is at fault in this whole mess of a breakup that he bungled worse than John Travolta trying to introduce Idina Menzel at the Oscars. Perhaps you brought up his porn usage because you two weren’t having sex at that point or you were feeling ignored. Perhaps you brought it up because his habits were unhealthy or disrespectful (like watching it in front of you, or ignoring you to watch porn). I don’t know. But I do know that most of us watch porn because it’s hot and fun and free and isn’t bad for your health and almost NOTHING ELSE on earth falls into all those categories. It’s part of a healthy sex life to consume porn. If you feel like someone being aroused by porn is a problem in a relationship, you’re going to have a lot of fraught relationships, I’m telling you that right now. I’m not suggesting you change your boundary, but I’m warning you that this will likely continue to be a massive problem if your rule is “no porn ever.” You are not in competition with porn. That’s like saying that your partner watching a movie is in competition with you for companionship. Again, maybe you’re normally totally a-ok with porn, but his behavior had reached a breaking point. I don’t know. But if you have insecurities or issues around porn, I would strongly recommend talking to a counselor or therapist about this because it’s going to be extraordinarily hard to find a person to date with a healthy sex life who doesn’t consume some porn.