Here's the Thing: You're Not Her (Boy)Friend

Waiting for someone to realize that they're in love with you, that's not friendship.

SOMEONE ONLINE:

This girl and I... lets call her Dee. Dee and I met the same way my grandparents met. My grandfather was renting a room in my grandmas house. And with Dee, she and two others were renting a room upstairs and I stayed on the 1st floor. 

I was infatuated with her the 1st time I saw her. Since our mail came to the same mailbox I looked her up on Facebook and started talking to her there. We had an instant connection. Just easy breezy talking and jumping from topic to topic. It was all easy, all natural.

So through her trials and tribulations and struggles that she shared with me I was always giving her encouragement and reassurance. Letting her know she is a winner even if she is feeling like a loser. 

And here is the thing thats something I do for ALL friends. Whether female or male. Its not like I was in her corner just out of hopes of fuckin her or dating her. If I'm your friend, I'm your friend. No ulterior motive. 

Okay so fast forward. She travels through a few continents, then returns home. Everything is documented on Instagram. (You will understand why I emphasized this later) 

Her and I meet up. When we hugged, people literally stopped and watched us. Like they were in awe of our affection. Later during that day a woman in the street saw us sitting down on a bench and just started talking to us. Telling us how good we look together, how were good for each other, all this shit. Like she just assumed we were a couple. We had went to a diner that day too and again more compliments from people. On that day I paid for everything, all the drinks, food, and her ride home since I knew she just returned from her travels and wasn't employed yet. (Because I'm cool like that 😎) 

Now before I forget, she and I have a multifaceted friendship. One aspect of it is we are real flirty with each other. Particularly me talking all sorts of shit to her lol in a way its tongue in cheek because she pretty much swings both ways but favors women. But I always compliment her on her ambition, intelligence, and her looks. But also if I feel she is wrong about something or I disagree with her, I also tell her (of course respectfully). 

I tell you that to explain how comfortable we are with each other. So I can tell her some lovey dovey shit, and she can tell me she has a gf or had drunk sex with an ex bf and after my fake outrage, we go right back to normal.

She has many male friends and is often in the company of men and I NEVER question her or get upset because after all she is a single attractive woman free to do whatever she pleases. 

Now here is where MY issue comes in: remember how I mentioned she documents everything on Instagram? Well I couldn't help but notice she always has her male friends all up in her IG but when her and I hung out there was NONE of that. And I'm almost 100% sure she isn't as close with those male friends as she is with me so how come I don't get any love?! Also when I would try to meet up with her, something always came up, and her IG stories proved she wasn't avoiding me things really did come up. 

One final thing happened where I invited her to this even on Saturday. Her response was "oh its in Brooklyn?! 😫" so I figured Brooklyn was too far for her (she lives in the Bronx.) 

Sunday comes and guess where she is?! BROOKLYN! Like 20 mins away from me. And the thing is SHE volunteered this info to me. She wasn't hiding it, I randomly texted her that Sunday seeing what she is up to and she tells me she is in Brooklyn chilling with a homegirl... I'm thinking to myself Saturday Brooklyn was too far but Sunday for someone else its A - okay.

I never confronted her on anything, never complained to her, just had to fall back. To be fair when I do fall back a bit she hits me up to check on me (and I do the same for her).

Recently she texted me but I didn't respond. Not because I want to punish her but idk I just don't really feel like talking to her. I also feel like I can't even hang out with her because if I do I will be expecting her to take a selfie or something with me and put it on Instagram and if she doesn't I will be upset... so yeah.

SOPHIA:

You, my friend, have a different problem than you think you have, and while I’m going to try to be as kind as possible about it, I think it may hurt to hear, however, I think some level of bluntness from a stranger you don’t know may help. Fair warning: this will be painful, whether you listen to me or not. Ready?

You manufactured your relationship with Dee. She doesn’t have the relationship with you that you guys think you have. Does that suck? YES. All of us have been there at some point in our lives, where we are delusional about what something is between us and another person. It’s bullshit that this mismatch in perception can happen; little is more painful than realizing that not only does someone not share your feelings but that you saw something that simply wasn’t there. I’ll go through and explain how I reached this conclusion in a second here, but first I will caution you to also get real fucking honest with yourself about if this happens to you a lot. Because if it does, you may want to step back from talking to women for a while and see a therapist to help you unpack this pattern. Often, men don’t realize how much women are being nice to them as part of our ingrained social training, and not out of any flirtiness. Also, and I’m sure you’ll insist that you aren’t like this, men often feel that women “owe” them things like time, attention, exclusivity. You also may be missing or willfully ignoring some of the social cues because you’re in “love” with this person (or want to bone them).

As a general lesson, if you want to know how someone feels about you, listen to their actions, not their words (and certainly not the words of outside parties).

Ok, I’m going to make this a list in order of what you said to me of why I think what I said above is true:

  • Dee and I met the same way my grandparents met. This line made it clear how much you’ve romanticized your relationship with her. You’re creating a love narrative that you can tell people about how you met, which is not what people do when they’re actually friends.

  • I was infatuated with her the first time I saw her. Ok, so you started off not her friend then. You aren’t infatuated with friends. That is NOT friendship.

  • Since our mail came to the same mailbox I looked her up on Facebook and started talking to her there. WHAT? This is creepy, and you’re lucky she was ok with it, to be honest. Most women would not be ok with this. Please do not do this in the future, ever.

  • And here is the thing thats something I do for ALL friends. Yeah, but you aren’t trying to fuck your male friends. And you didn’t get their name from a shared mailbox.

  • "When we hugged, people literally stopped and watched us. Like they were in awe of our affection…[the rest of this paragraph]” Ok, this isn’t evidence of anything. Sometimes, when I was 15 people would ask if my little siblings were my children. People seeing a man and a woman hugging are going to think dating, which IS NOT A SIGN THAT YOU GUYS ARE GOOD FOR EACH OTHER.

  • I couldn't help but notice she always has her male friends all up in her IG but when her and I hung out there was NONE of that. You’re getting real possessive of her.

  • She can tell me she has a gf or had drunk sex with an ex bf and after my fake outrage, we go right back to normal. This is… uncomfortable. She seems to be trying to tell you that she’s seeing other people to make a fucking point that you are not getting. And your “fake” outrage isn’t fake, it’s probably making her feel weird.

  • I'm thinking to myself “Saturday Brooklyn was too far, but Sunday for someone else its A - okay.” SHE DOESNT OWE YOU THAT. She doesn’t owe you hanging out or being on her instagram. You have to examine how much you think women owe you things simply because you like them. She is telling you (and you’re refusing to hear) that you are not a priority for her.

  • I know what I put above is really harsh, but again, I think your attraction towards her has made you delusional about what’s going on. I would bet good money that she has talked to her friends about how to manage her interactions with you so that you don’t get the wrong idea. You may be her friend, but you guys are not dating. It’s not romantic. Stop watching her every move on Instagram. Stop keeping tabs on her. She could not be more clear that this isn’t a thing. It seems like— as you said at the end— that you cannot handle being her friend right now. Frankly, I’m not sure you were ever fully her friend (even if you were very kind and generous and supportive) and not just waiting for her to realize that she’s madly in love with you. You don’t need to confess your feelings for her (please don’t), but you should probably back away from this “friendship” for a while. Be nice if she does check in, but don’t engage or initiate hangouts. And unfollow her on all social media.

    Now, this was long and harsh and probably painful to read, and I’m sorry for that. It’s going to sting and hurt for a while. But I do think if you take this experience and unpack it and think about your actions and your beliefs for a while you can come out the other side much, much better at relationships. You clearly have good intentions and want to be supportive and kind to other people; I don’t think you’re a bad person. I hope you don’t let this calcify your heart and make you more bitter. I hope you adjust and grow, which is almost always a painful, embarrassing process.