My Boyfriend is Super Rich But I'm Not
Here’s The Thing is an advice column/newsletter where I mostly beg people to either stop dating someone or to ask their crush out. Or I talk about weird things that came to my mind that no one is paying me to write about. I can never decide if I should capitalize the “the” in Here’s The Thing or not; apologies on lack of consistency.
You can submit your own question—or yell at me about how I’m wrong—by emailing me at 1followernodad@substack.com
A SWEETIE:
I’m an 18 year old woman who just got accepted by uni for medical studies. I come from the middle class and my parents struggle to make ends meet. However, I'm a very ambitious person as well and I feel proud of finally being eligible for med studies.
Some months ago, I met a guy and got in a relationship with him. We'll be attending the same classes at uni so we both know we'll share lots of years together. He's a person who respects me for my academic achievements and supports me a lot. He says he admires me for my mind and for my great intelligence.
The point is that he is very wealthy. His parents make so much money that he can afford very expensive clothes and trips abroad. He will also rent a house that is located at one of the wealthiest suburbs of my city. So, despite the fact that—unlike me— he comes from the countryside, his manners are similar to those of rich guys who grew up in big city centers.
I haven't personally met his parents yet, but the thought of dining with them makes me feel quite uncomfortable. I've also described to my mom my bf's background and she says that his parents must be arrogant towards people like us. The only thing that I have assumed is that his parents must be very strict and ambitious but I guess—and hope—that they appreciate those who work hard.
I love my bf so much but I'm hesitant to make any further steps with him. It's not the fear I might be rejected by his family, it's the fear I might disappoint my parents because this is my first relationship ever. Despite the fact that my bf strongly criticizes all those arrogant wealthy people, I'm afraid his relatives might be exactly like them. I also sometimes feel that our experiences are so different and that makes me feel bad.
The worst part of it is that he has kept our relationship secret from his parents. We've been together for only 2 months and he says that when uni starts he will tell them everything, but I still feel something's wrong with that. I mean, his parents are already aware of my existence and they know that I sometimes hung out with their son, but they have assumed we are just friends and nothing more.
I feel proud of my identity and have already showed my bf that I come from a different social class. He has told me that love has nothing to do with money and that he will always love me no matter what. But we're at an early stage and maybe all guys are like this at the very beginning.
SOPHIA:
This is a fantastic thing to think about. Please notice I didn’t say “worry.” Money is, unfortunately, massively important in our lives and in our relationships. Yes, we have ascribed meaning to having it and not having it, or not having as much. But there are also incredibly real consequences to class. It changes what kind of health care you get and how quickly. It changes what schools you go to. It changes what jobs you get, how many kids you can have, who you meet and what you eat. Money sadly creates and shapes our lives. And it’s random. It’s unfairly given, inherited and earned. It’s hoarded by some, needed by many and most of us spend a good portion of our lives working for and worrying over it.
On top of that, or perhaps more aptly because of all that, we are absolute shit at talking about money. We grow uncomfortable, envious, embarrassed. We get judgmental, defensive, and prickly. It’s difficult to talk about money because it means so much and because we all have a past with it, very little of which was in our control. We have ideas on how it should be spent and saved, made and lost. Even sex is easier to talk about. I would, for example, absolutely get drunk and talk to my friends about our experiences with anal. I would never ask them how much is in their bank account.
So it’s not unreasonable to be thinking about this as you begin this relationship. Love is pretty powerful. But so is class. Do I think you and your boyfriend are fucked? No, no, no. This is not even something you two have to overcome. It’s merely something you’re going to need to talk about and navigate forever and ever, as long as you two shall be together. And it’s mostly going to suck.
Or at least be a bit… uncomfy. It doesn’t have to be. There are absolutely ways to make talking about money more comfortable for both people, but mostly that comes from doing it over and over again. Putting on your boots and doing a deep sigh and wading through the fucking muck time after time.
Ok, Sophia, I get it. I have to talk to him…. About what, though? Glad you asked! It helps me to transition into this paragraph. A good place to start is with simply talking about your own money histories. All of us have ideas about money baked into our existence from our families, our cultures and society at large. Explain where you come from and why when it comes to money. What do you believe about money? Do you feel gendered expectations? Familial pressure? Whose beliefs about wealth have you absorbed? Do you like saving or spending? How does money make you feel? What makes you feel safe money wise? What makes you worry? Talk about those things together.
Now, I do think it’s absolutely imperative that you two talk about this, and that you both make similar efforts to bring up concerns and desires about money. You both have to care about this because it affects both of you. That said, please keep in mind that you’re both probably going to be bad at talking about money in the beginning, even if you want to be good. You’ll probably panic and end conversations early. Or say something that hurts the other person’s feelings.
I think it’s also incredibly likely that your partner is used to—because of his history—solving problems with money. Which is great and easy, but you still have to talk about it. As an example, let’s pretend you’re taking a vacation together, maybe you say, “I can’t afford that, let’s pick something closer” and then maybe he offers: “I’ll just pay for you.” You need to talk about it further than that. You need to make sure he isn’t expecting something in exchange for that. You need to make sure it doesn’t become His Vacation that you’re invited on. I want to make something clear: IT’S FINE FOR ONE PARTNER TO PAY MORE MONEY FOR THINGS THAN ANOTHER. It’s fine. You have to talk about these things and how you navigate them based on what you both feel comfortable with, but you two do not have to contribute equally financially to the relationship.
If he (or you) cannot or will not talk about these things maturely, then the relationship will rot. It might last a little while, coasting on newness or being smoothed over by his bank account or your silence. But it will rot. You have to be brutally honest about how money makes you both feel. And it might be icky! It might involve admitting things that you don’t like about yourself. It will be worth the work you put in though.
I’m not worried that he or his parents are embarrassed by you or think you aren’t good enough; I think this is simply a new relationship. I also think that sometimes people have shitty parents with bad attitudes about wealth. His parents opinions ultimately do not matter if he doesn’t share them or give them credence. What matters is what you two decide together. Talk about your insecurities or concerns with him. Talk about how you worry about your own parents and his. I know this is hard at 18, but you are going to have to slowly extract your actions from your parents’ judgements. That doesn’t mean you don’t care what your parents think. It doesn’t mean defying them or not listening to them. It means that you have to become your own person, who makes decisions that work for you. Dating someone who happens to be in another financial class than you isn’t a cruel or disappointing action. Ok?
Your boyfriend cannot and should not brush any of this off with an “love is greater than money” or any other trite expression that could be a JLo song lyric. Loving someone is a series of actions you take, like communicating with them— even when it’s uncomfortable.
You can submit your own question—or yell at me about how I’m wrong—by emailing me at 1followernodad@substack.com
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