Attention Seeking on the Internet

I had this idea to write this like a letter from an anonymous stranger and then to reply, as I do, with advice. And then at the very end I would reveal that actually, ‘twas I who wrote in to myself. It was all going to be very clever, you understand.

But I stopped myself, as I keep doing with so much of my writing, because I wasn’t sure that the idea wasn’t stupid, pathetic, boring, or perhaps worst of all: attention seeking. (We will get to why I assume you — my audience — will level these critiques at me in a moment).

I am, currently, a bit unmoored. I don’t think burnt out is the right term; I’m much too anxious to be a dead match or a ashen ex-campfire. I am not, if my recent sleep patterns have anything to suggest, exhausted. (I have been wide awake at 3am most recent nights). I don’t think I’m depressed, because again that to me suggests a sluggishness, a non-ness that I do not feel currently. What I am right now is…detached from myself. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, if I’m being frank. Everything makes me second guess myself. I simultaneously feel that I am getting too much feedback from strangers whose opinions I absolutely should not care about, nor heed— strangers whose opinions I am not actively seeking; strangers whom I do not regard highly because I do not regard them at all— and that I am getting no feedback on anything, that I have no bumpers in my bowling lane.

(If you are perhaps thinking that I need to see a therapist, you are thinking this because you are a good and smart and beautiful human with flawless ideas. I promise I’m looking for one, don’t worry.)

I don’t know what has led to this feeling, but I do know that certain recent things have made me feel the detachment more deeply, and those certain recent things involve (dumbass alert!!!!!) a whole lot of feedback from people on Twitter. It’s embarrassing to be on twitter, obviously, and even more embarrassing to talk about twitter, which means I have reached a level of humiliation previously unknown to myself to be writing about twitter in a newsletter. Please know I never leave home without my shame.

This week, I have had a lot of people reaching out to me to tell me that they think that I am a dumbass (their word), a dumbfuck (theirs), boring (theirs) and that my tweets are attention seeking (their words, their words, their words). There has been a very distinct uptick in people spending their one wild and precious life to tell me these things, and although this has been brought to my attention a lot over the years, for some reason now I have decided to believe them.

Three instances that really stick out this week are a guy accusing me of lying for “clicks” in a tweet about a compliment a barista gave me (I assure you that if I were going to lie, I’d be a lot more interesting. I futher assure you that I make no money off of people’s likes of my tweets). Next a woman called me a dumbfuck for not stealing a poster from the public library and instead simply tweeting about it. (I am all for crimes, just not against the library). And then she followed up to say that she and her mother had been talking on the phone about how attention-grabby my original tweet was—a tweet where I took a photo of a poster at my local library. Lastly, a man criticized me for linking to an old “precious” (his words) article of mine in a column I wrote. Nevermind that editors ask you to do this all the time.

I assure you that when I tweet or write or post these things, I am not thinking, “Wow, this is going to go viral!!!! I hope it does!!! I hope everyone shares this!!!!” I am most often thinking about a dog I saw on the walk to the cafe or how I really need to make a dermatologist appointment. Could be silly of me, but I still am mostly trying to just tweet the way I was tweeting when I first got twitter in AP Calc in 12th grade, which is to write out every very inane thought I have. (I guess I shouldn’t be so upset that people are pointing out that the thoughts are inane, but I really want to be like I KNOW!!! I KNOW!!!).

I know I sound defensive here. I know I sound pathetic. Please know: I know. I know it’s unreasonable to spend my time or energy on these kind of things; I know that these people may be the ones with the problem, but also … this kind of feedback is somewhat impossible to ignore completely and it’s driving me nuts.

(If you are thinking perhaps that I should “quit” Twitter, I agree most ardently with you. Alas, I have to have it for my job, or perhaps I’m hopelessly addicted to reading things that hurt my feelings. Essentially: I’m working on it and my hypothetical future therapist agrees with you, no doubt.)

There is no point to this photo at all just I like glitter and needed a photo for the link. Ok that’s all!

The thing is once you start putting enough stuff out there of almost any form, people are going to give you feedback that they hate it, and more to the point, that they hate you. Sometimes the reason is valid (I can be annoying and combative online. I agree!). Sometimes the reason is unknown even to them. Sometimes they even tell you that. They will reach out and say, “I don’t know why, but I hate everything you write/post/share/etc.” Which will, if you’re even 1% human, get to you because that suggests that there is just something about you which is unlikable. And I, like the other sane people out there, do not like being unlikable.

People who say they don’t care about being unlikeable are so smug about it, which you would think would make them unlikable, but it doesn’t. Frankly, though, I think it’s a little perverse to not care what other people think of you. I know you’re not supposed to care what every single person thinks, but also, how do you just internalize people not liking you and have no negative effects? I feel like it’s pretty normal to not want to be confronted with bad opinions about yourself.

Am I nuts for thinking this is normal? For thinking that it probably should get to you to hear repeatedly that people think you’re boring/bad/a dumbass/etc? For thinking that most people do not want to hear these things? For believing that even with a lot of self-esteem, messages like that start to seep in through the cracks?

The problem I feel I’m facing is that the more I make, the more I write, the more I put out there, the more people like what I create, the more people hate what I create. And furthermore, the more chances there are for people to let me know that they hate me. The more attention you get for something — whether you have courted that attention or not— the more upset these people are. It’s kind of the Anne Hathaway effect. Or really any celebrity woman effect. The more visible you are, the more people ascribe the attention you get to some sort of desperation on your end. People become almost gleeful in their dislike for very, very popular people. Reviews are so much harsher when someone dislikes a wildly successful book or movie or show, almost as if they’re spiteful, they’re angry that this “did well.” (I occasionally find myself feeling the same way!) They’re more upset that a Tik Tok that they’ve deemed “stupid” went viral than they are that the Tik Tok existed; they are mad that it got noticed and thus, to them, it was attention seeking. Not attention getting. If you got attention for something you made, if you have a following of a certain level, you must have sought out exactly that outcome and all the strings that might come attached, like getting told you’re an annoying dumbass whom everyone hates.

(Is this essay itself annoying? Attention seeking? Because I very much feel that it is!!!!! But I cannot tell anymore! I am rudderless! I am driving a ship with no navigation instruments! I cannot tell what I am doing that people will hate (bad) and what I am doing that people will ignore (best possible outcome at this point).)

I know some of the answers: put my head down, ignore this, get to work on stuff I actually like making, stuff that I stand by so much that when people say mean, hateful shit about it, I can feel confident ignoring them. (Unfortunately, I am not whole enough either as a person or a writer to do that, I don’t think. I’m not trying to be self-deprecating there, just realistic). Exercise more, get a therapist, drink more water, complain to all of your two friends incessantly for one weekend, stop being online. But the thing is, it’s hard to want to put anything out there ever. (And putting something out there almost always means online). Not tweets, not articles, not books, not scripts, because every new thing that goes out into the world invites in more feedback that I am only doing it for the attention, that my ideas are bad and wrong, that what I have to say is boring. The more you create the more you apparently “encourage” this. (Frankly, I think that’s bullshit!!!).

I used to be very pro-attention seeking behaviors. I still am in theory. I don’t think there’s much inherently wrong with seeking attention. We all want attention in one way or another. In fact, sending people messages that they are attention seeking could be seen as in and of itself attention seeking. But my brain is starting to believe other people above myself; my inner monologue right now has very little to do with what I believe and a whole lot more with what other people believe about me.

Anyway, I have heard your complaints, I know I’m messing up, boring you, annoying you, making you cringe. I have swallowed those complaints whole and it’s scrambling my brain and stopping me from writing all the things I want to be writing. (Need to be writing). I am now properly consumed with creating stuff that people will like, stuff that will convince people otherwise about me. I want to defend myself to these people and often I try to, which is really really really really really really dumb because they don’t care and why would I spend my time on that?

Am I embarrassed by all of this? Yes! Do I think I’ll look back years from now and be like, “Oh dear god, get over yourself?” Also yes. I’m always hoping, in the words of Adele, to learn to get over myself. And yet, and yet, and yet.

It’s impossible to write something like this and not further convince people of your own desperation or annoyingness or need for validation or attention — although I swear it’s not my intent, it very easily reads that way, and besides, what if I’m deluded and it’s very clear to everyone who reads this that it is my intent? I didn’t write this so that people would messages nice things to me and give me external validation or a boost — I swear that’s very much not the point.

I’m mostly trying to wrestle with the idea of how a person creates with any audience at all, let alone an audience comprised of virtually any stranger who happens upon your work. A stranger who can then contact you. There’s no conclusion to this (yes there is: therapy) other than to add to the already-boring lament about the online world and it’s limitations.

Anyway, I’m probably going to keep doing all the same things I’m currently doing and then I’ll freak out that everyone hates me after I get bad feedback from an unimportant stranger like a normal, sane person.