Do you think that the palm tree in my back y…

I have started tanning in my backyard, to speed up death if dermatologists are to be trusted (and they are). Not to worry, I put sunscreen on the important bits, the ones that age. I bought a tanning chair specifically for lying my body out in the sun like a ball of dough in an oven. The tanning chair even has—and this is grotesque, I know—a hole for your face so that when you flip over on your stomach, which I am wont to do every 15 minutes, you can lie flat. It cost me the best $78 of my life, that chair.

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