Here's the Thing[s] Part I

Stuff I love because I actually love stuff, which is bad and immoral of me.

I am, unfortunately, sooooo good at buying things. I love buying things. I wrote a whole chapter in my book (is this subtle) about how I think this stems from the Scholastic Book Fairs of our collective youths, but it doesn’t. It comes from capitalism and from buying things being fun. WHICH WE ALL AGREE is immoral and bad of me. I should not like consumption; I should not feel my heart race when I open ASOS’s homepage or feel sweaty and overwhelmed at a flea market.

I have waffled on the ethics of writing a newsletter where I show you cool things and say they are cool things, because what if you buy them? Then I’ve influenced you to be immoral. Additionally, I am not vetting these things well enough to save either of us from hell. So the point is, this is a dumb list of things I like which I bought. And I wrote that sentence so that no one could criticize me for the hypocrisy of me urging everyone (including myself) to consume less while talking about how much I love buying things.

I don’t know.

Obviously.

This roll-up drying rack.

The first most important thing I must urge you to purchase is a roll-up drying rack. This is so important. It goes over your sink and then you can move it. Idk. It’s simple. When I lived in an apartment for four years (including the first two COVID years where we had to do a lot of dishes) that had literally only one square foot of counter space, this made my life livable. I have gotten this drying rack as a gift for multiple people, which we can all agree is weird of me, but guess what? They loved it. Similar ones are available in boring gray on am*zon but I don’t want to go THAT FAR into hell, I’m not linking to that site.

Ok this photo is … boring. But what can you do?

This body exfoliator stuff.

One of my goals for 2022—yeah, I’m corny as fuck and make goals for myself. No I’m not getting noticeably better as a person—was to get more serious about body skin care otherwise my face is going to be flawless at 76 and my body will look like one of the California Raisins

¹

. So I did what I do best: fuck around on Sephora’s website until I stumbled on this.

I wasn’t convinced that I needed an exfoliating body scrub before this because I have dry, sensitive crocodile skin but then I saw this photo:

I can’t tell you why this photo worked for me because I don’t even have crepey skin yet, but it did work. I think about this photo more often than I think about some of my immediate family members. Sorry.

Anyway, I bought the (EXPENSIVE) body scrub because I’m easily swayed by before and after photos— even ones solving problems I don’t have. But guess what? This shit works. It’s great. My skin is so much softer and smoother and better looking all over my body. I don’t know what it’s doing and I only use it like once a week, but this shit made me look so much better. My only complaint is that I feel like I need to use a lot for my body? Because you put it on your dry skin and then go in the shower and rinse it off? Regardless, it’s worth all the money.

Speaking of beauty… this blush.

I tried Merit’s concealer/foundation replacement stick The Minimalist, because I am pretty low key about makeup. I have one look which is Wearing Makeup. I am, above all, a dipshit when it comes to makeup. (Skincare is my jam). Anyway, I like easy things. But as I mentioned, I have dry skin, so their minimalist stick didn’t really do it for me. I need things that feel like vaseline or cream cheese when you put them on your face. So I was very skeptical about trying another thing from Merit. But I wanted the free bag that comes with your first purchase because I am, again, a dipshit.

So I tried this blush in terracotta, which I— and they— admit is a shade that works better for light to medium skin tones. But they have tons of shades (nine). And I want them all now. This blush is so good. I don’t know how or why but it makes me look 32% hotter. I can’t figure it out. I’ve worn blush before. But this shit… unreal. Plus that little chode packaging!

Ok!!! Now for the stuff I don’t have and didn’t buy because I’m a morally good person!!! This is stuff I absolutely need and someone should send me in the mail.

These Oscar De La Renta pants.

If I were to own these pants, I would be happy. I would be complete. I would be kinder and more generous. I obviously will never own them because I think spending $50 on pants is too expensive. But imagine if you didn’t have my compunction or my budget. If you are rich and you don’t own these pants, you’re a dumb bitch.

These TWA posters.

Ok, these I can technically afford but I have a very serious medical issue called buying things to hang in my house and then never hanging them because I SUCK SHIT at hanging things. So I cannot bring another poster into my home. Sorry for the bad cropping. I refuse to learn a new skill at this point.

One of these robes.

This could change my life I believe. Obviously, I believe that about every product. You have to know, that this really might be the ticket. My best friend makes fun of me because I always judge the worth of clothing on whether you can just “throw it on and go to the cafe” and I stand by that. This is such an easy elevated throw it on and go to the cafe look. Now, is it expensive? YES. Very much so. Which is part of why I don’t own one. But also this is one lady presumably (based on the name of the etsy shop) in Uzbekistan making these to your measurements.

Even if I had a lot of money, I don’t know that I’d have enough in me to take my measurements, so there are some barriers to entry. Which is good because it’s stopping me from consuming.

Anyway, those are this week’s things! I’ll do an advice column like normal later this week, not to worry. Your life hasn’t been consumed by capitalism. Jk it has.

1. Are you supposed to capitalize California Raisins? Is that a proper noun? Idk. Not looking it up.