Here's the Thing[s]: Part III

A shopping guide by a dumbass.

We're still doing Roman numerals until I figure something else out!!!

Big things up top!!! Self-aggrandizing ones, even!

My book, Well, This Is Exhausting has officially sold over 10,000 copies! It could have happened at literally any point in the last…. six months? I have no clue, I happened to check on my publisher’s Author Portal (why am I capitalizing that?) yesterday. Obviously all numbers are arbitrary¹ ; 10,000 just happens to be a number that I read one time somewhere is a good number of books to sell. That might be false information or out of date. Maybe all the other authors out there are laughing at me for thinking that was a nice number to reach. I doubt it because I’ve never met another author who has any fucking clue what they’re doing either. I’ve also only met like 4 other authors, though.

ANYWAY!!!² I had a really hard time feeling proud of my book when it came out because I read like four bad (middle-of-the-road) reviews when the book came out—and yeah, all of them mentioned some form of “well, this book was exhausting hhaaha”— and it’s hard enough to read something bad about what you’ve written but to read something bad about what you’ve written when what you wrote about was your own life…. well that’s not great. OH WELL. Anyway, for some dumb capitalistic reason, crossing the 10,000 book threshold felt satisfying. Like maybe that one person on Instagram who TAGGED ME in their review was not wrong, but outnumbered by people who were like, “Ok this book was fine.” Or who haven’t read it at all but still bought it, which we will take.

So I guess my book is the first item we’re³ recommending?? Anyway, if you haven’t bought it, no worries because 9,939 other people already assuaged my feelings of inadequacy so we’re good. (My parents each bought 30 copies lol). Please just request it from your library, which is free and somehow helps me.

NOW ONTO THE THINGS WE REALLY WANT TO BUY!

🎵 There are many things that I would like to sell to you 🎵

These miraculous pants.

I have started a new day job at a place where you actually have to dress like an adult. Think blazers. Think no rips in jeans. Think that one section of H&M that always has pencil skirts. That’s the vibe. And it has meant wearing Real Adult Pants, which is a real shame because my body is, in general, not shaped to wear Real Adult Pants. My body is meant for elastic. I said that once to my mom during college and she said, “Sophia, you’re only 20; that’s sad.” And that’s when I learned a hard lesson: sometimes moms are WRONG!

Theses pants are the zenith of clothing design. I know, I know, they’re from Free People, which is the same evil company that owns Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters and the love of my life, Nuuly. Howmever, they should be forgiven for all their fast fashion crimes and no-doubt human rights violations for these pants. (No, they should not!!! Not even as a joke!!!) These pants LOOK like Real Adult Pants and feel like sitting in whipped cream cheese. These pants are flattering and professional and more comfortable than any pajamas I’ve ever owned. I don’t understand why the world kept making pants after this.

ALSO! They’re no longer on sale at Free People because they’re from a few seasons ago, so they’re deeply on sale. (Still $70, which is a lot for pants).

I will give you that the photos do not look great. They don’t. But I am telling you. I am TELLING you.

Can’t tell you why they styled this image so poorly. No answers for you there. The pants are still great.

This ass rest.

I have bad hips or a bad ass or a bad back or something. Sitting for long periods of time hurts my Paul Bunyan body. When I’ve gone to masseuses and physical therapists and one chiropractor whom I would NOT let crack my back or neck ever because that can give you a stroke, they have all said “Did you get in a bad car accident?” It has come up so many times that I’m convinced they say it as a marketing tactic. Like most people have been in a car accident at some point and maybe they’re right and you feel like they can read your body OR they’re wrong and you feel like they see your pain and are taking it seriously.

My body is just… wrong. Which both medical professionals and the designers at Zara have agreed on. But this little ass pillow is a small miracle. It makes my hips feel like they’re floating and my lower back feel … nothing. Which is as good as it gets, babbyyyy. I insist on bringing this ass pillow with me on every road trip I make and every office I work in. The key is to make sure you’re sitting with the weird hump up front. It seems backwards at first. (Everyone who has “tried” it at my house sits on it wrong the first time). I have two of them because one got locked in my office for months at the start of the pandemic and I couldn’t live without it; I felt nuts for getting two ass pillows, but guess what? I am using them both (not at the same time. Like condoms, two is not better).

The whole seat is all black, this is just some weird way of showing you that the seat is memory foam!! Sorry!!!

Can’t recommend enough! There are a couple cheaper ones—and all of them are on The Bad Boy site, I’m so so sorry—but I haven’t used those, so I can’t actually recommend them, but they’re probably the exact same.

OK TIME TO WINDOW SHOP ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB⁴!!!

I pine for this blanket.

Obviously, a weighted blanket is a ridiculous thing to spend $269 on. I can’t imagine what I would need my net worth to look like before I thought, “three hundred bucks is a fine amount to spend on a weighted blanket.” The thing is, every other weighted blanket on earth is ugly as sin. This company realized that and fixed it and good for them, I guess. I need (need!!! lmfao!!!) to just suck it up and buy an ugly weighted blanket because I know that it will change my life, but instead I just occasionally google this blanket and think about it.

Cute right? Now what if what she was sipping out of that mug was beans?

Literally any necklace from this site.

I would take almost anything from this site, but these big charm necklaces are beyond beyond. And the little pack of cigarettes charm on this one… chef’s kiss! I don’t even smoke but it’s so cute. And a Bon Maman style jam jar? Get out of here! Almost everything is sold out anyway, but if there’s a new drop and 4-6 rich people want to band together and get me something… my door is always open.

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Ok, that’s all for this week because everything was really long and oh god, can you imagine reading that much!!!??!!

If you’re a sick little piggie who wants more, here are some other things I’ve written recently:

• This delightful interview with Polly Barton about her book on porn!

• This piece about how sex changed for people post spinal cord injury.

• This advice column about being ghosted.

1. Well, no actually, they aren’t. I don’t know why I said that. Numbers are measurements. Idk. I meant that numbers are unimportant in relation to book sales and like your sexual body count and how many Gogurts you ate while babysitting. Those numbers are simply not anyone’s business as a general rule.

2. How did I not know I had ADHD when every single newsletter I’ve ever written has gone wildly off the rails at least 34 times and I have to use the word “ANYWAY” in all caps to bring it back at least thrice?

3. There is no committee here, obviously this is all my dumb brain.

4. One thing that bothers me waaaayyy more than it should— which is not at all— is when acronyms or initialisms are longer than what they stand for, and perhaps the most egregious is the disparity between the three syllable but dweeby sounding World Wide Web, and the NINE syllable shortening to www.