Oof! This is such a hard subject, but it's one that I have lived through, so in I wanted to share my experience.
When I met my partner, I KNEW he was the One. I felt the Holy Spirit stir inside of me, and I knew he was the man I had been waiting for. We had chemistry, he was an absolute dreamboat, he was smart, he was chivalrous, he was hilarious, and he had a heart for God... And the more I got to know him, the more I knew that I was falling in to a love like no other. And then, on on our third date, he told me that he was married. Oof. I was gutted. He explained to me that they had been living apart for more than five years, and his wife had cancer, and even though she was the one who had kicked him out, he still felt really awful about ending her health insurance. After some prayer, and after I talked it over with my closest friends, my mom, my mentor, my pastor, and a couple people with the unenviable fortune of sitting next to me on the commuter bus :) , I decided that I would stay with him - IF he filed for divorce by the end of the year. (It was early November.). I told him that I was so thankful for his honesty, and that I felt like this was a relationship worth sacrificing and working hard for. I also told him that, although I greatly respected and supported his desire to do the honourable thing in regards to his ex, I didn't feel comfortable dating someone who was going to be married for an unknown length of time, and that I didn't feel that it was unreasonable for me to need my partner to have both feet planted firmly in the present with me. I told him that I understood that divorce takes time, and I would be patient and support him through that process... But that the process had to begin relatively quickly if we were to stay in each other's lives. And then I let him take some time to think about it. It didn't take him long to come to a decision.
People always say, "Well, it's not that easy!", right? But the thing is - if it really is a situation where they are "only married on paper", well... it kind of is. Only a few days passed before he told me that he was looking for an attorney. And within a month, he had filed for divorce. It took about a year for it to be finalized (although it can take much longer, for sure!), and he was able to make provisions for his ex-wife's health insurance so he didn't leave her without options for care and he didn't lose his self-respect. It has been seven brilliantly happy years now, and we are planning our wedding for next fall.
I know this was a verrrrryy long "comment", but I just wanted to share my story to support what Sophia said in her response, and to give evidence that, if it is important to him, he WILL make that stand for you. You aren't being unreasonable in your request, and you deserve someone who is ALL IN with you and your love... and any man who truly loves you, and respects you, and values you, will agree.
Best wishes, prayers and blessings to anyone walking through this challenging situation right now. It is hard to ask for what we really want sometimes, but chart your course and hold fast to it; whether he honours your request or you have to cut him loose, there is a better life (and a better love) for you on the other side of this.
Well, I’m the “soon to be ex wife” and although I never imagined my “perfect marriage” would end (or soon end) in divorce, I am the one who fights to divorce my MOFO stbx. He left me for this woman and had a child with her. We have children that are also devastated. The woman either believes in what he says or pretend she does. Truth is, he is still married to me (taxes, health insurance, the whole thing). She takes immense pleasure in humiliating me but I keep thinking: you think he has character with you and not with me? This is all so crazy and I can’t imagine choosing to live like this. Just run while you can.
I'm in a similar situation. But his excuse was he was trying to get her immigration papers and that's the least he could do because he was with her for 10 years. They don't have children together and she's had her papers now for 2 years. We on the other hand have 2 children together and been together for 7 years now but lived together for 4. I don't know what the fuck my mans problem is maybe he just doesn't want to merry me but mine won't divorce for me either and all he sees me as is a nagging wife and every time I bring this up he always gets pist and says were bringing this up again. So I give him space and don't bring it up for a while but still no matter what I do hes never going to get divorced... I even left him for a while still didn't do anything but ruin our relationship even more. So I stay because hes a good father and need a place to stay but this shit hurts so bad!! I've poured my heart into this man and gave up everything for him I just don't know either
Oh man! No need to look for another answer after reading this one. Thank you so much. Answer in a nutshell. I have similar situations and no wonder why I am feeling jealous about his sort-of-ex-wife.
Oof! This is such a hard subject, but it's one that I have lived through, so in I wanted to share my experience.
When I met my partner, I KNEW he was the One. I felt the Holy Spirit stir inside of me, and I knew he was the man I had been waiting for. We had chemistry, he was an absolute dreamboat, he was smart, he was chivalrous, he was hilarious, and he had a heart for God... And the more I got to know him, the more I knew that I was falling in to a love like no other. And then, on on our third date, he told me that he was married. Oof. I was gutted. He explained to me that they had been living apart for more than five years, and his wife had cancer, and even though she was the one who had kicked him out, he still felt really awful about ending her health insurance. After some prayer, and after I talked it over with my closest friends, my mom, my mentor, my pastor, and a couple people with the unenviable fortune of sitting next to me on the commuter bus :) , I decided that I would stay with him - IF he filed for divorce by the end of the year. (It was early November.). I told him that I was so thankful for his honesty, and that I felt like this was a relationship worth sacrificing and working hard for. I also told him that, although I greatly respected and supported his desire to do the honourable thing in regards to his ex, I didn't feel comfortable dating someone who was going to be married for an unknown length of time, and that I didn't feel that it was unreasonable for me to need my partner to have both feet planted firmly in the present with me. I told him that I understood that divorce takes time, and I would be patient and support him through that process... But that the process had to begin relatively quickly if we were to stay in each other's lives. And then I let him take some time to think about it. It didn't take him long to come to a decision.
People always say, "Well, it's not that easy!", right? But the thing is - if it really is a situation where they are "only married on paper", well... it kind of is. Only a few days passed before he told me that he was looking for an attorney. And within a month, he had filed for divorce. It took about a year for it to be finalized (although it can take much longer, for sure!), and he was able to make provisions for his ex-wife's health insurance so he didn't leave her without options for care and he didn't lose his self-respect. It has been seven brilliantly happy years now, and we are planning our wedding for next fall.
I know this was a verrrrryy long "comment", but I just wanted to share my story to support what Sophia said in her response, and to give evidence that, if it is important to him, he WILL make that stand for you. You aren't being unreasonable in your request, and you deserve someone who is ALL IN with you and your love... and any man who truly loves you, and respects you, and values you, will agree.
Best wishes, prayers and blessings to anyone walking through this challenging situation right now. It is hard to ask for what we really want sometimes, but chart your course and hold fast to it; whether he honours your request or you have to cut him loose, there is a better life (and a better love) for you on the other side of this.
I want to read a follow up!
This is THE best most real thing I have read regarding this subject. And trust me, I have been searching. My eyes have been opened. Thanks for this
Well, I’m the “soon to be ex wife” and although I never imagined my “perfect marriage” would end (or soon end) in divorce, I am the one who fights to divorce my MOFO stbx. He left me for this woman and had a child with her. We have children that are also devastated. The woman either believes in what he says or pretend she does. Truth is, he is still married to me (taxes, health insurance, the whole thing). She takes immense pleasure in humiliating me but I keep thinking: you think he has character with you and not with me? This is all so crazy and I can’t imagine choosing to live like this. Just run while you can.
I'm in a similar situation. But his excuse was he was trying to get her immigration papers and that's the least he could do because he was with her for 10 years. They don't have children together and she's had her papers now for 2 years. We on the other hand have 2 children together and been together for 7 years now but lived together for 4. I don't know what the fuck my mans problem is maybe he just doesn't want to merry me but mine won't divorce for me either and all he sees me as is a nagging wife and every time I bring this up he always gets pist and says were bringing this up again. So I give him space and don't bring it up for a while but still no matter what I do hes never going to get divorced... I even left him for a while still didn't do anything but ruin our relationship even more. So I stay because hes a good father and need a place to stay but this shit hurts so bad!! I've poured my heart into this man and gave up everything for him I just don't know either
I agree with all the comments on this post. I am in somewhat similar situation. This hit home.
Oh man! No need to look for another answer after reading this one. Thank you so much. Answer in a nutshell. I have similar situations and no wonder why I am feeling jealous about his sort-of-ex-wife.