Scenes from an Italian Restaurant (my book).


We (I) Bought (Wrote) A Zoo (Book)!1 My book is coming out in five days!!! I have five days to sell 638 copies of my book or I will be executed at midnight. Just joking!!! Corporations can’t kill people like that; it has to be more lowkey!

Anyway, to honor the book I’m publishing a list that almost made it into the book. You get to be the first to read it! [Oooooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaah!]

Please remember to buy a copy if you haven’t yet; it means a lot (I won’t be murdered). Click here to get yours:



  1. You saw the moon and it looked really pretty and now you’re sad that we’re ruining the planet and she (the moon) has to look on in horror while humans die preventable deaths en masse. 

  2. Climate change in general. 

  3. Two glasses of wine. 

  4. You bought a sweater that you love but it’s a little too expensive and you just took the tags off and now you’re panicked that you’re not “good with money,” and that this was not a Smart Purchase and for some reason this is making you cry. 

  5. The person you used to date years ago and don’t even care about put up a wedding video. You’re not even sure what about it made you cry since you frankly can’t remember anything about him in particular, he seems more like a cardboard cutout or a poster that used to hang in your room. 

  6. A flight being delayed. 

  7. The ending of 13 Going on 30, when she realizes she won’t be with Mark Ruffalo. 

  8. Realizing that you’ll never get to sleep with young Bruce Springsteen. Truly a horrific reality. 

  9. You don’t have the relationship you want with your parents.  

  10. A comment you boss made about how you aren’t working hard enough, which might have been a joke, but might not have???

  11. Not having the relationship you want to have with your parents or your siblings or your local grocer. 

  12. Heath Ledger’s death. 

  13. A work assignment is really hard and makes you feel like a dolt even though you are very much not a dolt, and even if you are who cares? 

  14. You’re locked out of your gmail account. 

  15. You thought about that video of the polar bear dying. 

  16. One of your best friends is seemingly successful at everything and always lucky, which you know isn’t true but it feels true and now she’s moving to Argentina on a whim with a male model. You really want to be happy for her, but you’re burning with envy, which is making you cry more because we’ve made envy shameful. 

  17. Someone catcalled you on the street and then, when you didn’t answer, they followed you around for a while three years ago and now you’re back on that strett and can’t shake that memory, and you’re not crying because you’re scared but because fuck men for taking safety from us.  

  18. You think, but have not a single shred of evidence, that all of your friends hate you and constantly talk about how they all simply tolerate you. Again, no evidence here, really just a gut feeling that you’re unlikeable. 

  19. You miss someone who treated you like shit. 

  20. The Bachelor picked the wrong woman. 

  21. You had your period into your nice underwear. 

  22. You tried to call your representative about an important issue and the person in their office who answered treated you like the scum of the earth. 

  23. You’re late for an important meeting through little-to-no fault of your own and your body is just starting to sweat but you don’t really know why. You don’t want to be sweating but you have to keep hurrying because you don’t want to be more late, you know? But god, the sweat. And now you’re tearing up, which is also making the whole sitch worse. 

  24. The song “Leaving on a Jet Plane” 

  25. Your partner isn’t as excited to see you when you get home as you are to see them. Maybe this is just your perception. Maybe this is just not how they express themselves. BUT YIKES!


Here is a quote that actually did make it into the book so that you can get a little flavor for how things are.


I am in fact ashamed to admit that I do talk about the movie We Bought a Zoo in my book.